Fran’s-Gender – what the W, T & F is going on?

30 Jul

I’ve never been adept at relaying my feelings into words, be it typed, written, spoken…semaphored, morsed… or even generated in the Ceefax of my mind. Instead I tend to percieve & understand my feelings using my own dilapitated mental audio-visual department. Using stock memories & my imagination I generated  a torrent of images and sounds that seem to fit how I feel. I suppose this way of dealing with things befits someone who operates cameras for a living.

So, how do I percieve how I feel, now that I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m on a spin-cycle of emotions related to what I percieve is my gender? I see it as for the past 27 years I’ve been a venerable steamship sailing over the choppy waters of life. I’ve managed to navigate it so far without any hardship or event in life managing to breach the holds in the hull of my emotions. 

Throughout my serious asthma & bullying issues when I was a kid, my parents’ divorce & into the general alienation I’ve felt when entering my 20’s, I’ve managed to power through unscathed by burning through my eclectic imagination, whilst (in retrospect) my increasingly repressed emotions & personality began to rot in the confined space of the holds. I had no idea that at a certain time, these little time-bombs would rupture one-by-one, creating a carnival of chaos on-board, exploiting weaknesses in my ship’s structure & setting fire to everything. The wonderful thing about the personalities of humans…is that alot of us seem to be built with little weak spots, which life seems to be expert at exploiting, exerting pressure every so-often on each one, before usually sticking a finger into the weakest one & standing back to watch the whole structure implode. Life will always find a way to strike you at your weakest spot.
Find the schematic of your personality, understand yourself, trace the faults…and you may be able to address the issues before life comes along & shuts you down.

Anywho, I’ve kept sailing, with a fire raging in the bunkers. I’ve begun exploring my inclinations towards expressing femininity in it’s many different forms, after repressing them & not really acknowledging them for many years. My ship was well able to accomodate these experiments, thanks to appearing younger than it was. All was well. And then. KA BOOM! Life decided that things were going too well, so it decided to push that all-important weak spot so it could sit back with a beer and watch the fireworks.

After years of struggling to look masculine in order to attract girls, keep my jobs & also not get flak for looking effeminate, I finally came out as wanting a truly feminine depicted here –
And I finally got to look feminine & also began styling it like Edwardian ladies indulged in!….for all of three weeks… before my hair started falling out. And it kept on flowing out of my scalp like smoke from an industrial chimney. What timing. Co-incidence I’m sure… yeh, right. Nope, it was because life knew it would generate a commotion, an inner-epxlosion, the one thing would get a reaction. A missile of testosterone into the superstructure of my personality and sense-of-self.. My hair has always been the only tangible expression I’ve felt I have even when it was shorter. Thus, I now have an emotional connection to it. Taking it away was akin to stealing a country’s official flag. A loss of identity & a questioning of where I’m travelling too.

The answer in my case was – to the land of “much, much, much more male”. Which to someone who only recently begun to blossom further & further into the femininity I’ve always wanted to explore, was a stumble in a wrong direction, via some pretty nasty falls down steps and a crash-landing arse first into the realisation that my ship was going the wrong way. Out of nowhere, someone had changed the course. I’ve had a somewhat stunted growth due to taking steroids as a kid to combat that asthma hobby my body had when I was a nipper. Thus I’d remained petite and compartively feminine in stature & looks compared to other men my age. Until now. When within the space of a month, my body bulked out, my hair of course began migrating my scalp & my face developed a hardness I’d not seen before.
Tis always the way isnt it? You try to build yourself a personality based on one’s form & physicality…and two come along at once in quick succession. 

This missile had struck my personality, detonating my repressed feelings and sending a fireball of angst & confusion blasting through the corridors & decks of my soul. I was forced to address this issue – I could no longer simply daydream through life, I had to address where I was going as a vessel. Why was I suddenly changing? How could I balance feeling feminine when I was starting to become more physically masculine? I was stopped dead, taking on water. Not knowing which way to steer the helm. And then, life introduced the concept of “hormones” into the mix.

This sudden realistation that potentially I could sail towards what I had believed was a mythical destination, and potentionally end the testosterone destruction, was like a torpedo striking my hull, sending volumes of “what if I transitioned?” water into my engine rooms. Over the course of a few months further torpedos struck, further encouraging my thoughts.

I had begun to take on water. Sinking into a sea of transition. It may well put out the flames of rampant testosterone, but at the cost of taking a perfectly servicable male ship…and all the stability that comes with it…well…with it.
The structure of the ship is groaning, the two genders governing the ship applying increasing pressure so that internal splits have begun. There is no balance anymore between the two. Only one can survive.

My decision can either be to continue steering a burning and damaged male ship towards whatever direction it wants to go, or allow the transition to scuttle the ship and send it hurtling towards the uncertain & tempestuous depths of femininity where it may either adapt or get break-up via the increasing pressure of the elements of change.  
That is where I am now. A sinking ship. Cue lots of onboard explosions, rumbling noises, twisting and groaning metal, collapsing supports, water crashing onto the submerging decks, superstructure beginning to fail as both gender structures onboard cause the ship to increasingly break into two.

If I could create a video montage I’ve how I’m feeling right now – it would include the sinking & splitting sequences from “Titanic” & the various collapsing dream sequences from “Inception”.

I hope all that made some sort of sense. Ooo err.


2 Responses to “Fran’s-Gender – what the W, T & F is going on?”

  1. Roisin August 2, 2012 at 2:21 pm #

    …the inside of your brain is an interesting place. I’ve always felt that life gets harder to force you to level up, rather than to actively sabotage you.

    Also, I feel your pain. Many, many feels. No idea what I’m doing either. Snap! Isn’t it fun?

    • Francesco October 14, 2012 at 6:49 pm #

      Well, I’m glad you liked your brief visit into my brain. Did you like the wallpaper?

      And you may be right, life targets what it knows will cause you to re-evaulate everything. We all have our unique triggers & points at which an action by life we will deem as unacceptable.

      Shame your in the same position though. I hope you discover who you should best be too.

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