Archive | January, 2013

The answer!

12 Jan

Ok, so I’m going straight into a ramble.

I think I know what’s happened to me, and I think I understand it now, and I think….yes, I do believe I am OK with it. If the shits hits the fan because of this, then of course I will get angry with the powers that be up there. Wow, I find it soooo hard to write anything, or express myself, this is REALLY ridiculous.

Ok, I just can’t do it. Im trying to write a simple bog post and the words won’t come out.

To sum up (drum role please):

I was born a boy. Didn’t mind but wasn’t very boyish. Steroids stunted growth. Kids and parents made me feel inferior. Some said I looked like a girl. I felt bad. In secondary school I felt emasculated. Alastair further made me feel inferior and weaker. Over the past two decades this has crystalised inside me, and I’ve absorbed the jibes about being feminine, to the point where it’s become me. And in recent years Ive come to explore it. Now I’ve come to like it.

And that’s where we are at the moment. I wasn’t a girl when I was born, I don’t think I had any gender issues. But things in my life, including in my own head, have made me identify with being feminine. Now that my body is defining itslef as very male, I’m freaked out and that’s triggered the gender dysphoria. So for the first time, my body doesn’t match my personality or mind.

But would I want a therapist to spend years re-programming my brain back to how it was when I was a boy and happy? Hmmmmm. For some reason, I don’t want that. I have distanced myself so much from masculinity in many ways that I do feel I’m too far gone and I’m not really fussed about joining the man club again.

So I think, quite literally, it is possible to alter someone’s actual sense of their gender by social means. Alienate them enough and they may internalise the feelings. Then own them. And then love them.

I used to hate being mistaken for a girl when I was a kid. Now I whenever it happens (and it does randomly for some reason) I love it.

I guess to protect myself, I’ve absorbed the criticisms & mistaken identity, and to get over it – I’ve learned to love it.

I’m reading a book about Titanic survivors. And with alot of the survivors, the disaster defined the rest of their lives. They would continue being victims but surviving. The same life patterns over and over. I do feel we influence our own journies.

So with me I think I’ve gotten so upset by not feeling manly enough, that I’ve taken the self-hate and adapted it into a new personality. Ive taken the sting out of it by learning to enjoy it.

There are cases where people who have been abused tend to get their kicks out of being put in the same situations. The film A Dangerous Method (which I watched a few weeks ago) exactly demonstrates this phenomenon. Keira Knightley’s character was abused as a girl, she was spanked. As she never got over it, over time she internalised it, and now she gets pleasure from being spanked in the same way she was when she was a child. Her mind learned to cope by controlling the feelings. It became a positive part of her personality as such – a horrible act turned into pleasure.

With me – I think that because I feel SOOOOOO inferior as a man, that in order to cope and function as a useful human, my brain has learned to enjoy these feelings of feeling weaker than other men, and so has created a female persona. By doing this, I feel like I’m controlling my sense of shame. When I dress up I feel validated as feminine, and I enjoy feeling delicate and frail, as this is what people used to say I was when I was a kid. So my brain has turned my inferiority into a positive expression.

So do I want to be cured? Hmmmmmm. Its been two decades since I last enjoyed feeling male fully, and feeling integrated with people. I don’t think I want to be cured as I don’t want to become a man. I’m too scared of it. Its my ultimate fear I think, to have to come to terms with being a man, and being a short guy with no hair, being perceived as inferior. Accepting that this is my lot in life.

I’d rather play my own game, and be inferior in my own way, a way which I control. As a transgender I’d be considered inferior definitely, but I’d feel happy looking feminine, thus I’d be in control of my feelings. I didnt choose to be a short guy but I chose to be a transexual, if you see what I mean? I’d still be propogating the negative underlying issue from all those years ago, but putting a genuine positive spin on it. A lifelong coping mechanism.

Its all about control, owning who you are, and moulding it as you need too. I dont have control over who I am as a man. But I could create myself a woman, with whatever degree of success. And that control could give me a sense of power of myself that I’ve never had.

I really feel that at the very core of my being, is this crushing insecurity, emasculation and inferiority. And Im not sure I want to address all that. I’d rather plaster over the cracks with my own vision of myself. A completely created vision. I do genuinely want to rebuild myself as I see fit now.

I realise that even if I get facial surgery and the hormones make me have a girly face, and I get nice hips, and become a pretty passable woman, I’ll still not be happy deep dpwn. I’ll still feel inferior. But it could be damn better than being a thirty-something balding man in therapy for years trying to be convinced that I’m a viable man damnit.

I’d have no control of that. But I would have more control over rebuilding myself into the vision I’ve developed of myself. And seeming that not many people want to make my films, work with my ideas or fully back my plans, or appreciate my whimsy – i’ll concentrate on making myself as pretty as possible and putting all my effort into making myself my best creation.