Archive | April, 2013

Why I Fear I May Become a Gender-Bending Miss Havisham

4 Apr

Righty ho, this is likely to be a cheery post than usual as, well I’m not sure why, but bare with me. What always ties me in knots when writing blog posts is the fact that my mind asks “why?”, “why are you typing out what you have already thought?” My brain doesn’t seem to comprehend that thinking about an action, or something to say, will not make it manifest. Sadly, this is not Inception. But, still my brain seems to assume that if I think about the subject, then somehow it’s been done. It’s real. And therefore there’s no point typing. Bizarre.

Anyway – Great Expectations and Miss Havisham’s character, onwards!

I borrowed a novel from the library, it caught my eye with the usual immediacy I notice when confronted by any book that calls itself “historical fiction” and features a period-dressed lady on the front. Guaranteed read.

The general idea of reading is to loose your bearings and get lost in the story, without the issues of having to get lost in adventure in real-life – which would invariably lead to being declared missing and having to answer to the Old Bill when you eventually turn up again. Annoyingly, the more I read about Miss Havisham, the more I see similarities with her and myself.

Catherine Havisham sees much logic in stopping the controllable passage of time, in order to negate the effects of emotional trauma. Thus she, rather theatrically, literally halts time in her house by literally ceasing the clocks, and wearing the same wedding-day attire as she wore when her terrible news was broken to her. Her cracked and warped, yet oddly reasonable reasoning dictates that whilst she can’t change her past, return to it or un-learn her painful discovery – she can control the present by re-asserting the past as present.

So far, so “1984”, (I’m sure that in some corner of the universe, if there happens to be meet & greet sessions – with drinks and nibbles -for fictional characters , O’Brien and Havisham may get along very well, based on their whole “he who controls the past, controls the future…” ideas).

Havisham then embarks on a scheme to train a neglected girl into a male ego and heart killing machine, a femme fatale for an era when femme fatales wore poke-bonnets and not high heels. She carries out this scheme as to make a belated strike to man-kind (not woman-kind) in reparation for being jilted by her lover on her wedding day. So far, this sounds completely as far removed from my situation as ever…. but apply some imagination and some finger-nibbling worry, and you could have this scenario – which if made into a film – could be called: “Inspired by Great Expectations. Well. Sort of. (ish)”.

I suffer “emasculation trauma” as a child, however this trauma doesn’t surface consciously until I’ve started cross-dressing & imagining my voice as female when reading, or expecting that I should have hips, and all that jazz. I stumble along as male, but sooner or later I get dumped, divorced or loose my job at which point I loose all faith in my masculinity, suffer a crisis and let my mysterious feminine ego take the reigns. I can’t let go of feeling anger and resentment towards the males I feel I can never be as good as, and at the women who I feel see me as inferior. (My equivalent of Miss Havisham’s instance on keeping the house as it was on the wedding day, and later on, trying to extract revenge by proxy on a new generation).

I take hormones and quickly sterilise myself (my equivalent of Miss Havisham letting herself rot away in her house). I’ve stopped the clock on my masculinity, severing it and leaving at the exact state of masculinisation that it was in the form of when I started HRT. 
But I’m not quite feminine, not quite masculine, a sort of ghost of the two. I still feel attached to my masculinity and feel it was taken from me, so perhaps I even keep a room in my house just for those belongings to gather dust and fester.

I enjoy my stunted femininity & feeling free from the “great expectations” of masculinity, however, in-time, I feel an ache to have a child, but alas, I can’t, so I adopt! And I adopt a boy, who I fashion into a chap whom I design to be androgynous of mind, yet with an outward strong masculinity designed to  attract ladies. However, he will be taught to distrust women, so he will lead them on and then drop them so he can mock their power which women have over men. And thus his masculinity will never be shattered, as was mine. If ever a lady was to regretfully break through to him, and potentially wound him – his internal sense of androgyny would be impervious to emasculation. A job well done, and a revenge well executed.


So I guess my biggest concerns now are A: not to let this happen and B: potentially work this idea into a short film. A gender-bending variation of “Great Expectations”. Over and out.

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